YOGA

This semester, I am enrolled in "Yoga for the physical therapist" as one of my elective classes 

and one of the given assignments is to journal our reflections on the application of Yamas and Niyamas in our lives. Yamas and Niyamas are essentially the principles or virtues in which we strive to attain in our daily rhythms and character. The past couple of weeks, I've focused on cultivating the virtues of CONTENTMENT and NON-HARMING in my thoughts, beliefs, and actions with the hope that they'll also start to become a part of my character.

After a year and a half of minimally maintaining a social life outside of our intensive core class, followed by 5 months of moving away from Atlanta for clinical rotations, I've been attempting to find my place again among my community here in this beloved metropolis. It's been an interesting attempt to remind friends that I am back in town and convince them I have the time to hang out now. It has been interesting because I've found that everyone's lives have moved on, ebbed and flowed, without me present. Friend groups have grown closer and intimate while I remained an outsider. Jobs have changed and new romances have budded as I journeyed the coasts of America.  I'm not naive, I know people change and that time does not stop for me; however, I didn't predict that it would be this hard to step back into a group of friend that I previously connected with so easily. 

I didn't expect for this much change to occur.

I tried stepping back into the roles and personality that I had with each of my old friends prior to my departure. I tend to mirror a bit of other's personas and energy levels, so this process looked different for each person or group. I set conditions of whom I should be for each person to fully accept me as they did before. When our connection and amiability seemed off, I felt like I failed or was doing something wrong. Lies came forth of not being intelligent, pretty, creative, funny, thoughtful, or simply good enough for those I was attempting to gain acceptance from. I had stepped into the realm of self-harming by believing these lies because I had set up conditions for myself that I believed others had for me. Yet really, no one had set any expectations for whom they wanted me to be. They simply had changed themselves, just as I had changed from the women I was 2 years ago. 

The interactions of yesterday cannot remain the same between the faces of today. To try otherwise is simply destructive or manipulative.

I took this harsh and tear-filled realization to sow and cultivate my garden of contentment in life. I have had to step out of the idea of trying to please everyone or gaining their acceptance of this girl covered by facades. This desire for acceptance didn't arise from a lack of it. I know I am adored and fully treasured by my heavenly father. I understand unconditional love and praise God for it. Yet, John Piper eloquently writes, "If you only hope for unconditional love from God, your hope is great, but too small. The sweetest experience of God's love is when his love says: 'I have made you so much like my Son that I delight to see you and be with you. You are a pleasure to me, because you are radiant with my glory.' This sweetest experience is conditional on our transformation into the kind of people whose emotions and choices and actions please God."

To be content, one has to accept and believe the truth of who they and where they are.  For me, that truth declares I am a daughter of the King of Kings, a princess called to splendor, honor, and irreplaceable worth. This is the condition I am called to set as my identity, to base my self-expectations on, and to live out to the world. It's a role that can't be changed based on my performance because it's a birth right through Jesus. Stepping into this condition is the apex of finding deep contentment in a world where I previously fought so diligently and unsuccessfully to fit into.

This new life is a daily progression of hearing God's truths and removing facades and expectations that belong to my former self. It's a renewal of my mind, my thoughts, my identity into a women who is created in the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness, such that I not only see his glory, but also reflects it to the world (Eph 4:21-24).