Happy Birthday, daddy.
Nothing in our world arises more emotion within us than love and grief.
For the past 3 years, I've learned more about the Lord's love than I'd ever be able to express to even myself. It was a subject with so many facets that I've been learning about it slowly overtime with the emotional response to such love still brewing inside me today.
For almost 2 years, I've also been learning what true grief looks like. Today should have been by daddy's 54th birthday. It's a harder day than the date he died because this day is supposed to be a celebration, a dinner, a hug, and an "I love you." Yet, it's all absent. Grief has taken on many forms in the past 2 years.
In the beginning, I cried. I've been angry and in denial. At times, I see a white-haired man with a golf wind pull-over jacket on and thought it's him. For just one second, my heart hopes that I've just been having on big long nightmare and that my dad will walk up and call me "Princess" again. Then after that second of hope, reality hits and a forgotten heaviness returns to my chest. He's still gone.
The grief, the shattering was good. It stops you in your tracts and helps you refocus on the larger story that the Lord is telling. Much of that story remains a mystery, but my hope in His story was renewed.
See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear in the earth;
the season of singing has come.
[Song of Songs 2:11-12]
Grief has healing effects. It has somehow restored my soul because I embraced the pain and reality that I could do nothing besides wait for the Lord's healing. I've been undone and put back together to create something more beautiful than before.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
[Ps. 126:5-6]
Tonight, as I join friends and strangers at the worship and prayer night, I will be celebrating with songs of joy to the God of restoration. Heck, I might even order some cake to celebrate this day too. I cannot think of a better way to carry on this day of celebration.
Happy Birthday, daddy.
I love and miss you.
